Returning Home
by angel-love3
Summary: Set during Btvs 7 and Ats 4. Angel has an epiphany after seeing Cordy with Connor. This is my first fic please review. A work in progress
1. Returning Home

Returning Home  
  
Summary: Angel has another epiphany after seeing Cordy with Conner. AN: This is my first fic. Please review and let me know if I should continue. Spoilers: Everything up to Btvs: Dirty Girls and Ats: Magic Bullet  
  
I do not own any characters from Btvs or Ats no infringement is intended.  
  
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At what point in life do you realize that things aren't as they should be? Is it the moment when you notice that you are no longer happy with life, or when you realize that your life, love and soul is less than two hours away and that if you got over your pride and went to her that you could be happy again?  
  
I thought for a long time that I was falling in love with Cordy. I ached to see her every waking moment, to be near her. After Lorne's spell last night Cordy finally regained her memory. So I asked her "Were we in love?" She replied simply "We were". But the more I think about it, I begin to wonder did I ever really "love" Cordy? Shouldn't I have run after her instead of letting her go?  
  
I do love Cordy, but I'm not "in love" with her. My heart, my soul, my life belongs to someone already. I've tried to forget her. Tried to move on but I can't. Sitting here thinking about things I realize that sometimes I miss her so much that I don't even notice I miss her. Does that even make sense?  
  
I suppose that is one reason I found myself seeing Cordy differently. Sometimes she reminds me of her. Why I don't know maybe because she makes me think about Sunnydale every time I see her.  
  
It's been so long since the last time I say Buffy. She had just come back from heaven, or I guess I should say just been brought back. I could tell she was in so much pain. I would have given my life to take her pain away, but I knew that she needed to work through it on her own.  
  
I found out about her thing with Spike a few months later. To say I was angry would be an understatement. I couldn't count how many times I left L.A going to Sunnydale. I was going to kill Spike if it was the last thing I did. But I never made it. I always got half way and then turned back. I figured that if and when Buffy needed my help she would call. She hasn't yet.  
  
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I found out that Cordy is staying with Connor now. I know he'll protect her and keep her safe. Then he came by today and told me I needed to go talk to her. Naturally I went thinking we could finally get things straightened out. I was wrong, again. She told me she did love me but she couldn't be with me. She told me that when she was a 'higher being' that she saw. She saw me as Angelus all those years ago. She saw how Angelus enjoyed killing, how it made him happy. It has been over a hundred years and I still can't get away from what he did. No matter how much good I do the mistakes of my past always bite me in the ass.  
  
Buffy knew about my past and accepted it. She accepted the fact that I am different now; she could separate my past from my demons past. When Buffy and I made love on her 17th birthday I thought that finally things were getting better for me. If I had only known what great surprise the gypsies had in store for me. I would like to say that if given the chance that I would change things, but that would be a lie. I did a lot of bad things when I lost my soul again. I tormented Buffy, her family and her friends. But killing Jenny and torturing Giles had to be the worst.  
  
The night we made love was the best night of my life. I had found love, peace, and happiness in one person. To say I would change that would be to love her in vain. Life has always given me some twists and turns but I've made it through.  
  
The night Buffy had to send me to hell had to be one of the hardest things for her to do. I had just gotten my soul back again and I didn't understand anything that was happening. All I knew was the love I saw in Buffy's eyes, then she stabbed me with the sword and off to eternal hell I went.  
  
We never really talked about my time in hell; there really isn't much to say. I never wanted to tell her of the pain and torture that I went through. Then I came back and things never were the same. We tried to be friends, be we couldn't. Lying to someone else is easy, but lying to yourself is hard. We both tried to convince ourselves that we could but we simply love each other too much to lie. Even Spike saw straight through us. Because of that I made the hardest decision in my life... to leave Sunnydale and Buffy.  
  
If things weren't bad enough I had to get shot by Faith. I could feel the poison killing me and all I could think about was how much I needed Buffy. I was ready to die, to accept my fate. Then she came in. I was so glad to see her beautiful face again. I wanted it to be the last face I saw before I died. Then she told me I had to live. That she could cure me. But I never expected her to tell me to drink her. God knows I tried to run away from her because that was something I never wanted to do to her. Then came the first hit, then another and another. Before I knew what was happening the demon had came out and Buffy was looking into my eyes with pure love and determination. She grabbed my head and pulled me down to her neck. I tried to resist but then I bit in.  
  
Her blood was the first human blood I had tasted in over a hundred years. It was intoxicating, not only was it warm human blood but also slayer blood. To know that she trusted me enough to offer her life to me is priceless. When I finally broke away I was so scared that I had taken too much, I just couldn't get to the hospital fast enough. I was glad that she healed so fast that way at least I knew she was ok. Then we won the battle and it was time to go.  
  
I couldn't say goodbye. I felt that saying goodbye would be forever and that's something I don't want. So after seeing her one more time I turned away from her and left behind a veil of fog.  
  
I didn't know where to go and somehow I ended up in Los Angeles. I thought I had left everything Sunnydale behind. That's when I saw Cordy at a party. I often wonder what would have happened had we not ran into each other. How different my life would have been. But I can't dwell on what ifs.  
  
Instead I have to look to the future. There's a new apocalypse to stop and lives to save. If people only knew what went on around them, if they only knew how people risk their lives, family, and happiness so they can live another day.  
  
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Tonight I realized how much of a fool I can be. I came up against the Beast. I tired to fight him the best I could but it wasn't enough. He asked me "Do you really think she's safe with him?" At first I didn't think anything about it but decided to go check on Cordy and Connor to make sure they were safe. Then I saw something I would never have imagined. I saw Cordy making love to Connor. I was horrified and angry. How could they do this to me? Cordy had just told me she loved me only hours before and now she's in bed with my son. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to run; I wanted to get as far away as I could. So I did. I got in my car and made the two hour drive home.  
  
You would think that you would forget directions after four years away but I didn't. The house on Revello Drive was just as it was when I left. In fact the whole town was pretty much the same. All except for the Bronze which had had a major makeover.  
  
I sat there in the driveway for a long time. I guess I was afraid a little. It had been so long. How would she feel to see me again? How would I feel to see her again? I couldn't stall any longer so slowly I got out of my car and walked up the stairs and stood at the front door. I knocked on the door and waited. It was just a few minutes later when the door opened. There before me stood a beautiful girl with long brown hair.. Dawn. She had grown a lot since I'd seen her last.  
  
"Uh, Hello" Dawn said.  
  
"Hey Dawn" I replied.  
  
She just stood there shell shocked. Then I heard thump, thump, thump. Footsteps coming down the stairs and then a voice.  
  
"Who is it Dawnie?"  
  
A hand grabbed the door and swung it open wider. There she stood. I couldn't speak, breathe, or think because my mind was racing. I wanted to say something but couldn't.  
  
"Buffy" I finally whispered.  
  
She stood there looking at me like I was a ghost. I could hear her heartbeat quicken and then she spoke "Angel".  
  
Oh God, I love the way she says my name. I stepped forward and smiled at her.  
  
"Can I ... Can I come in?" I asked.  
  
"Oh, yes sorry please come in" she replied.  
  
We walked in and headed towards the living room and sat down. Dawn stood up and said "So what big danger is there now? Gonna come to town just long enough to tear her apart again?" I certainly wasn't expecting Dawn to get so upset, but I understood.  
  
"Well, there is a lot of trouble but that's not why I'm here and I don't want to hurt Buffy" I tell Dawn. Finally Buffy speaks up "Dawn, I need to talk to Angel alone. Would you give us some time without eavesdropping?"  
  
"Fine" Dawn huffed "I'll be at Janice's". 


	2. Returning Home 2

Why is it that the moment I saw his face everything that I've been worried about didn't matter anymore? Everything had been going so wrong yet now it didn't matter. All that mattered was that Angel was sitting a few feet from me in my house.  
  
Things have changed so much. I had died and come back, started having sex with Spike, stopped having sex with Spike, was almost raped by Spike and now I was gearing up to face another apocalypse. Then there were the changes that had happened in Angel's life. He and Darla had a son, and then his son was kidnapped by Wesley, then kidnapped again into a hell dimension. Then said son had come back grown up and sent Angel to the bottom of the Pacific. Wes eventually found him and then now he's also having warm fuzzies for Cordy. Cordy?  
  
He had definitely been busy since he went to L.A. Now that he's sitting in front of me it doesn't seem like he's been gone for 4 years. Just looking at him I can feel all those feelings coming to the surface, boiling just under my skin. Yet even though I still love him I can't help but feel hurt.  
  
We told each other forever yet look at us now. I sit here absolutely terrified to touch him, not because I am scarred of him but because I know what happens with a single touch.  
  
So instead of thinking about the love I focus on my hurt and anger. The anger that he slept with Darla. The hurt and anger that Darla had his child instead of me. Anger that Wesley would kidnap Angel's child. Hurt and anger that he's having warm fuzzies for Cordy, anger that she's been with him these past four years. Hurt because I found out about Angel's life from the grapevine and not from him. Then last but not least anger with myself for betraying Angel and myself by sleeping with Spike.  
  
What the hell was I thinking anyway?  
  
Then that's when I notice the large wound in his neck and his blood soaked shirt. I flinch at the sight of it.  
  
"So wanna tell me who decided to make you a shish kabob?"  
  
"Long story" he tells me.  
  
"Come into the kitchen so we can get you patched up" I tell him.  
  
He gets up and follows me into the kitchen. I gather a wash rag and some clean bandages.  
  
"Take off your jacket and shirt."  
  
Smiling as I suddenly remember telling Angel the same thing years before. That was the night he slept on my floor.  
  
"It's fine, really" he tells me "It will be healed up in no time."  
  
"Angel, don't be a baby. Now take off your shirt" I demand.  
  
Finally he gives in and he places his clothes in a chair. I wet the wash rag and gently start cleaning the blood from his neck. As the warm cloth touches his neck he flinches back pain marring his face.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"Don't be sorry, its ok" Angel tells me.  
  
I finish cleaning his wound and apply the bandages. When I finish dressing the wound I'm suddenly very aware of his bare chest and back. I turn away quickly and move towards the refrigerator. I open the door and remove a container of blood.  
  
"Do you want it warmed?" I ask.  
  
"Warmed?" he questions.  
  
"Yes, your blood do you like it warmed?"  
  
"Oh, uh...yeah warmed would be fine."  
  
So I warm the blood like Spike does his. I put in a mug and sit it down.  
  
"Well drink up" I tell him "You need to feed so you can heal faster."  
  
After hesitating for a few minutes he turned his back to me and began to drink. Not wanting to make him feel more uncomfortable I turn and start to head out of the kitchen.  
  
I go upstairs to my room and open the closet. In the bottom there is a large chest. I open it and pull out a clean pair of sweat pants and a clean t-shirt. I close the chest and shut the closet door. I turn around to go back to the kitchen when he startles me. He's leaned up against the door frame watching me. Suddenly I wonder just how much he's seen.  
  
"You know you really should learn not to sneak up on people."  
  
"I was worried. You just left." He says.  
  
Then I remember the clothes in my hand.  
  
"Here are some clothes. You can take a shower and clean up."  
  
He reaches out and takes the clothes. He studies them for a moment then looks up at me.  
  
"Are these mine." He asks.  
  
"Yes" I reply looking into his eyes.  
  
"Where did you..how?" he asks confused.  
  
Suddenly I blush. I had hoped that no one would find out what I had done. I stand there for a long moment lost in thought.  
  
"Buffy" he says suddenly bringing me back.  
  
"I.." I start to answer but decide to sit down first.  
  
"I got them from the mansion." I tell him praying he'll let it drop.  
  
"From the mansion? Buffy I haven't lived in the mansion in over 4 years."  
  
"Yeah, I know." I reply still hoping for a miracle. But no such miracles for Buffy.  
  
"So how then did you get these?"  
  
"Ok, well...the clothes your holding now actually came from your old apartment. It's the clothes you gave me the night we..." I start as tears well in my eyes.  
  
"I went back after you changed and got them. I wanted something that was you. I never told anyone I had them. Then when I went away to L.A I would wear them to bed so I could be near you. Then eventually they stopped smelling like you. So after I came back from L.A I went back to the mansion. Angelus had moved most of your stuff there after the fire at the factory. I only took a few things because I thought I would never see you again. I wanted to have something to remember you by."  
  
I get up and walk back over to the closet. I open the door and I pull the chest out and put it in front of him.  
  
"Open it, go through it, read whatever you want. You have every right to see what I took. You have every right to take it back if you want. I should have given it back to you when you returned, but I couldn't. Go through it when your done we can talk I'll be downstairs."  
  
Angel stands there and just looks at me confused and unsure. Slowly I turn away and went downstairs. 


End file.
